Officially Miss-ing You

I knew what I wanted to be in my checklist..It’s almost complete…Does this list have anything to do with me? I bet-cha it does!

1. Has a great Faith...therefore will not hesitate to speak God’s word and will serve his people without expecting anything in return..
2. Strong-will-ed..may conviction at may sariling prinsipyo..(parang politician ah!)
3. Honest and can tactfully speak his mind. Good Listener. Good communicator…doesn’t have to be the ‘Best’
4. Will not get bored with silence…and grows even more in absence.
5. Comments and Suggests..not just reacts.
6. Believes that life is indeed beautiful, so there's ‘passion’ in everything he does in life.
7. Loves surprises, nature..especially the beach, starless night sky, chocolates and fireworks! ;-)
8. Either athletic or artistic or musically inclined…adventurous or sports-minded..
9. Honest, trustworthy..may word of honor at plus na ang chivalrous ^_^
10. Pula. Red, blazing at firy red..4x4
11. Magalang…and knows how to deal people and professionally works with subordinates, without making them feel ‘inferior’
12. Family-oriented..need I say more?
13. Maasahan na kaibigan..yung kikilalanin ka, irerespeto ang opinion mo..masarap kakwentuhan - - abutin man kayo ng bukang liwayway dahil kakulitan at *wala lang na daldalan*
14. Proud to be Pinoy!..responsable Juan Dela Cruz in his own right.
15. What’s common with Richard Gere from Pretty Woman and the leading man from the movie ‘Cake’? **make a wild guess**
16. Loves Me…..therefore will find TIME for ‘us’!

*Sigh* I know have my top 16..now to find the missing links...
I wonder ‘what’ those are....**winks**

===================================================
*update as of 15 July 2008 i actually found him
or should i say we found each other...
(tinago ko ung 2 at inedit kaya 14 lang published)
hahaha*

Last Summer

Silence can be an answer. Period.

Because whenever, whatever and however my ‘love-ones’ try to start a conversation with a questionable smile or a mischievous grin or a sarcastic remark or a pat in the back or a warm hug… during those days, they will all ask the same question, “Why do I go in a relationship when I know from the start that it will only cause me pain?”

When he was gone…**Poof** Everyday was night-on-a-winter…and all the beautiful melody and the rainbow in the blue sky was ‘alien’ to me. His inexistence in my life felt like there’s a broken mirror inside me. I was aching all over while my heart was bleeding…and my river of tears doesn’t seem to wash away the pain.

During those days, nothing else mattered…I tried to lose my hearing, shut down my sense of thinking, put on my selective amnesia button and figuratively close my eyes from the world.

So what? Did I not make it clear? Or clear-er? At that time, I don’t want to be rushed…
I know that I am capable of…letting go, when it’s time to let go. And I will let go because I don’t need to win every battle in my life to prove myself.

I did admit it; a lot of times…I made myself vulnerable to a person. I opened my heart and let him in. And that feeling changed me every single day. And it was amazing.... It was like a miracle taking place.

I fought hard not to fall in love again. And because of that ‘thought’ I was not brave enough to say that I do...I did fell in love with ‘you’.

P.S. You are ‘the one’ but I can’t be with you.

Only ‘we’ can understand what has happened between us.

And so, this is my way of saying…It was all real, believe it happened and accept the fact that we need to forget about the warmth and the enthusiasm of summer. And remain like this…cold, distant and uncaring.

LSS of the Month: Suddenly

CLIFF RICHARD:
She walks in, I'm suddenly a hero
I'm taken in, my hopes begin to rise

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN:
Look at me, can't you tell I'd be so
Thrilled to see the message in your eyes

CLIFF RICHARD:
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN:
Suddenly--

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN and CLIFF RICHARD:
The wheels are in motion
And I, I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
'Cos I, I'm ready to take all my chances with you

CLIFF RICHARD:
And how can I feel you're all that matters
I'd rely on anything you say
OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN:
I'll take care that no illusions shatter
If you dare to say what you should say
CLIFF RICHARD:
You make it seem I'm so close to my dream
And then suddenly it's all there

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN:
Suddenly--

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN and CLIFF RICHARD:
The wheels are in motion
And I, I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
'Cos I, I'm ready to take all my chances with you

CLIFF RICHARD:
Why do I feel so alive when you're near,
There's no way any hurt can get

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN and CLIFF RICHARD:
Longing to spend
Every moment of the day with you--
With you

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN:
Suddenly--

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN and CLIFF RICHARD:
The wheels are in motion
And I, I'm ready to sail any ocean
Suddenly I don't need the answers
'Cos I, I'm ready to take all my chances with you

Blast from the Past

Congratulate me..It has been 15 days 9 hours and 45 minutes since my last coffee (minus the coffee flavored candy, is that included here?!? if yes..then I've failed into the trap again - - I'm nuts!) But the point is this...

I revisit-ed the meaning of this with my girlfriends from HS...Closure. We carefuly tried to decipher its meaning and how important it is in our life, esp. in the part of our life where we had that special someone..gets mo na? **winks**

We'll, the best people to talk to are those with no pretensions, no hang-ups, no pa-cute or pa-profound effects on the side; so it's so refreshing to get to talk to people who will look at you straight in the eye and tell you you're crazy or you're pathetic or you're just plain love-sick-puppy =) **gosh i'm really glad we guys went out, i can't wait to see you all again **

Okay, where were we? Yes, we have that b.u.l.l-crap or that b.u.l.l-$#!+ session over dinner@ a grill in a mall then later on at a resto, where we all sat at a table in a nipa hut - - - and for once in my life I was relieved that I don't need to put up any of my defenses. Because it was all so true, that I feel numb and feeling nothing as of the moment towards my "love or loves in the past". Period. And I am happy where I am.

Since it was a mini-reunion, we can't help ourselves from re-visiting our pasts..but instead sobbing at each other's shoulders and hugging each other to sleep; like we used to do more than a decade ago, we were laughing to our heart's content of our infatuations, mistakes, booboos, triumphs, ka-babawans and ka-lokohans - - - we were happy rekindling our friendship with our love-stories from the past.

And the inevitable, some of us are still aching from relationships that did not have a "closure". And we tried to define it. Tried again,and tried even harder. But I guess, the beauty of NOT having been able to have that 'final-words' is this: some are hoping or still hoping..that in the future that relationship just stood still.

- - - Just like the friendship that I thought I lost when my girlfriends and I graduated in HS..And now it's back, with so much more to give than just hope; but new memories to make. But then again we also know better than this to make relationships worl..we know it takes more than blasting from the past..to love, to trust again..it's takes communication, commitment, courage, prayers and a lot of acting on these.

These you need to gap islands when you know that a bridge wouldn't stand a chance in the ocean that had been created in between. **encrypted message**

Animals in the Cube Farm

“They say if you have nothing good to stay, keep your mouth shut.”

And recently I also learned that there are two kinds of criticism, one that is constructive; which help people to become a better person; and the other is one is destructive; which help people fall from place…My best friend even called it - - - character assassination.

Yes, this is more popularly known as bullying…clear enough?

Why am I writing this because I am sad of my naivety of its existence. Why? Recently, I realized that “bullying” isn’t confined to childhood—it also happens in the workplace, where it becomes alarming because it is succumb to violence and emotional trauma. And many of the behavioral patterns resemble to school-yard battles of old, but the stakes—health, well-being and employment status—are much higher.

Rats. Darn. There is no teacher to monitor and to intervene, or to rescue the victim.

They say bullying is synonymous to:

Incivility. Verbal abuse. Psychological aggression. Mobbing. They are all different names for a relatively wide range of behaviors.

The search for the roots of this workplace violence has included a closer look at interactions once thought innocent. For example, the seemingly playful teasing between colleagues may not be harmless give-and-take but may escalate into more serious aggression.

Bullying research in still a nascent field. Because the research is relatively new. They say it has to be “repeated, health-harming mistreatment of an employee by one or more persons, manifested in one or more ways: verbal abuse, threatening and intimidating conduct (verbal or nonverbal, nonphysical) that interferes with work and undermines legitimate business interests.”

A doctor on human behavior even adds that bullying is as much about what people don’t do; such as excluding people from meetings, withholding information or leaving them off an important e-mail. And what else do they do? It can be extremes; such as back-stabbing or story-blowing and the opposite is characterized by yelling, name-calling, making threatening statements, micromanaging or undermining somebody’s reputation. And what is worst is that bullies intent isn’t necessary. So bullies need no motivation or hidden agenda, they just want to “bully” or push people around. And the expert says too that sometimes bullies don’t realize they are bullies, but the behavior is already harmful.

A study in British showed that even if the victims don’t recognize that they are being bullied, their mental health is still affected which asserts to a negative behavior that people feel that they are unable to defend against to or to take control.

* from internet “In a 1998 study in the Journal of Emotional Abuse (Vol. 1, No. 1, pages 85–115), Loraleigh Keashly, PhD, a Canadian psychologist who now teaches at Wayne State University in Detroit, identified seven key components of bullying, or as she defined it, emotional abuse. They include behaviors that are:
• Verbal and nonverbal (excluding physical contact).
• Repetitive or patterned.
• Unwelcome and unsolicited by the target.
• Violations of a standard of appropriate conduct toward others.
• Harmful or cause psychological or physical injury to the target.
• Intended to harm or controllable by the actor.
• Exploiting of the actor’s position of power over the target. * from internet

“A real concern
Researchers do agree that because bullying is so common, many people don’t realize its harmful effects. Yelling and verbal abuse may be written off as tough—if unpleasant—management. Micromanaging may appear to others as an employee failing to meet expectations. And ostracism may seem like personality conflict.
Targets of bullying may even start to believe they are somehow at fault, says Dr. Namie. Bystanders often dismiss the behavior or don’t want—or dare—to get involved. In workplaces that allow bullying behavior to go on, management is unlikely to intervene. In many cases, employees are told to work it out for themselves, adds Namie.
Targets often may be encouraged to think that the bullying is all “in your head,” but the stakes are very real. University of Bergen psychologist Ståle Einarsen, PhD, is a leading bullying researcher who has intervened with severely bullied employees so disabled they are unable to work. While repairing these victims’ mental health is difficult, but possible, he says, it’s even more difficult getting them to go back to work—even at a different job. In his work as a victims’ advocate, Namie has even come across cases in which the victim commits suicide.
Even when the effects are not that extreme, researchers agree that bullying is harmful to the health and well-being of victims, organizations and society, likening it to sexual or racial harassment. Unlike these forms of harassment, however, general bullying is not prohibited by law in many places.” * from internet

And currently, the sad news is..we don’t just have legal loopholes in our country, there’s no awareness. So there’s no law that supports this matter. Actually, even the controversial and more popular workplace issue, “sexual harassment” is none the less not very well taken by our law-makers. So hear ye to the running senatorial-bles…here’s a law that’s one for the road!

So what can ‘we’ do?

The most effective intervention program requires focusing on the bully and the victim. The peer culture of these involved and their home environments (Garrity, et al, 1996). And successful anti-bullying program is built around a multi-system approach - one that sends a clear and consistent message to bullies and victims alike that bullies are not in charge and that everyone has a right to be emotionally safe and comfortable in one’s workplace.

And we, as an employee, should bring about this awareness; because this part of the culture of work needs to change. There are increasing evidence that it’s bad for the health, that certain factors breed it (like from envy or due to trauma); and that it can be deterred. So we need to be able to recognize this personality in order to focus resources to stop the behavior.

Here’s another tip. It’s out there happening, so be careful on which part of the employee-animal-like-system you are in…
predator or prey or in human language - - - bully or victim.

My Version of a Near Death Experience

This early morning I went through a bizarre routine…how did I know? I can’t get to sleep again…or maybe I just don’t want to go to sleep.

Something inside me felt like I’m being eaten alive. And the odd thing is, I didn’t get scared. Correction, I did not feel anything. I was numb. I just lie there in my bed with the sun rays peeping through the blinds in the room…But there was just the emptiness..and I allowed it to take over me…like the blinding darkness.

And before this could ever happen, I signed up for DNR, actually it’s more of a vocal contract, that no matter what happens to me…NO can do. Yup, seriously talked to everyone…Do Not Resuscitate..DNR - - - you heard me right. But my doctors have no choice, they’ve agreed…

But before I took my last breathe…I heard voices telling me that they found the cure…the antidote for this disease. They were discussing, arguing and shouting on top of their voices…they wanted to use the medicine so that they can kill ‘what’ is taking my life away from me.

They held my hand, and then I heard them say they were sorry. And heard that they will have to take the DNR to be invalid and not applicable to my condition. And then they apologize to me again, because they will have to keep me alive.

Then, I felt a pinch in my chest and..

The next thing I knew I found myself in the serenity of my room...alone again. I knew what just happened… I lost a part of me…so I can keep on living.

I was aching all over and my eyes were swollen from crying; that's when I realized I was breathing again. The scars were there..and my hands were still trembling with the thought that I carried him in my heart. But that was the closest thing I ever could get to be with him.