This is my last day in the center.
Ahm, I've completed my program. I don’t want to go through all what I have been through here because I don’t want to awaken any monster inside me.
*pauses..then smiles altogether*
Anyway, I’d rather share some unanswered questions, then my own version of realization on the insanity that brought me here.
*pauses again..then smiles to everyone..*
Here goes….
What is love?
If love is love, why does it give you pain?
In fact why does it cause you so much pain?
If love gives you enough pain to drive you enough to endure love, does it make it all worthwhile?
Or should you actually love more to endure the pain that it brings..or whatever angst that love cause or cost you?
So, if love is not enduring pain nor enduring love to go through pain..
Does it mean love is pleasure? Or sheer delight? The so-called happy state….bliss perhaps?
And if love you give you enough happiness, would it be enough reason
to sustain love? …to endure love?
Or should you actually love more to sustain happiness?
So, what if the happiness go away? And then all it gives you is total darkness..
not pain actually.. just nothingness - - - like pitch black darkness or like the calm waters of a dead sea? ..Where you are always afloat. Effortlessly swimming the waters of love but nowhere to go….no growing in love?
On second thought, where is love in pain anyway?
Or does love give you always happiness?
And…if love is pain or love is also happiness..or maybe even both,
What is the essence of love of having both?
Will love endure without pain?
Will love sustain without happiness?
And if there is no pain and happiness in enduring and sustaining love, will it become quicksand of emptiness? Will you be loving..yet feeling no love in return?
Like you were screaming love but no one hears you, even the one you love..
Better yet if love or loving has a meaning beyond feelings or thoughts or words or actions
More stronger or more powerful than pain, or happiness, or emptiness or loneliness,
Does it mean that it is easy to love?
…how come when some people recall ‘love’,
the ease in ‘loving’ is lamented as a short lived happiness and an ocean of pain?
At times, some even start backing down..walking or running away from it…
If its so so so easy to do…
why does it take so much courage to do it?
To fall for it? To hang on to it?
Maybe love is hard work then?
So it requires you to take a great deal of leap of faith?
To trust yourself that you can love,
and to believe that someone will love you in return
with the same great amount of love that you can…
So if its too much hard work, why do people take so much risk for love? Why gamble?
When you know you only there’s a 50% chance of losing ..
Maybe because there’s the 50% of winning?
But who are we fooling?
One-self? that someone? Or is it both?
So does this mean love is driving us back to pain and happiness altogether to achieve it?
When we love, do we choose between
Or ease or hardship?
Or courage to take that great deal of leap of faith?
Or trusting someone?
Or taking risks?
Are these ‘choices’ all about love?
Or is love a little portion of these?
Or is love a little of each one?
Or love has nothing to do with any of these at all?
So maybe, love is just love, right?
Maybe love becomes love when it becomes real..
Maybe until it can be perceived by any or all of the senses, it is love…
Or maybe until if it’s unspoken of…like an imaginary thought or feeling, love will just simply become real…
or should we say maybe it is not all about feelings,
its also leisure..work, hard work.
- - - these are all my maybes.
And so maybe love is just love after all.
So let’s just let it be.
Either love sees me through my senses…
Or love cut me thru life,
maybe honestly-passionately-deeply through my mind…and my soul.
Right now.
I don’t really mind getting all the answers.
I don’t really care what love really means.
Knowing love is just there is enough for me.
...then it was quiet..a deafening silence followed me as I stand up from my chair.
And kissed and hugged everyone who are still in the process of healing from a broken heart...
I said goodbye to the victims of a love that did not survive...
And as I walk out the door, I look up at the sky..
there's no sun and there were thick clouds all over..
And as I touch the latest scar in my heart,
I am very hopeful that late afternoon..
I am ready to face the world again,
with my head held up high
blazing with this new found strength..
renewed passion and refreshed sense of serenity.
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