I, Heart and You

10 years ago on this very day..I fell in love.

--- That kind of love that tickles all the butterflies in your stomach with the mere sound of his voice and the very thought of him...being with you.
That kind of love that makes your knees weak and makes you think you are 'the world to somebody'.

It was great. Because it suddenly progressed to a feeling of where I realized that I am capable of loving a person more than I could love myself. Unbelievable, right? But trust me when I say ---
he was my strength, my friend, my laughter and my inspiration.

I learned a lot about life, through his way of life. I learned about myself, through the way he spent his life with me.
Together, we made a journey where angels in heaven can be jealous of.

But around 3 years ago, I found myself here in Taiwan, attending a teambuilding. My head was aching terribly from drinking too much.
I was arrogant and full of pride, pretending I am just okay- - yes, I got broken hearted.

I realized very slowly how I left myself in the open.. out in the cold, steady and distant. I realized my heart wasn't moving because I choose not to do anything about it.

I took one step at a time..it was slow from forgiving to an acceptance of what I can do the situation and for myself.
I was strong in the outside. Keeping my principle that only I can mend my bleeding heart.

I was too stubborn to get help. I know that the scars of the past will not stop haunting me in my sleep unless I stopped re-living them. I keep on going back
and the feeling that was too painful to bear become an addiction that was slowly taking life out of me.

I used to find myself trembling whenever I recall these certain feelings.

Now-a-days, I feel at peace. Serene. Calm, collected and smiling again.

My heart's not yet in a great condition. But I just have to keep on trying..and healing - - - until I start trusting on love again.

One Alien Day

Eto na naman ako..trying to look at the earth from outer space. Pakiramdam kong lumulutang na naman ako mula sa katawan ko at hindi ko ito kilala, “Afloat” na naman ako,at umiiwas sa pag-focus sa isang bagay na ayaw kong bigyan pansin pero pilit isinisiksik ang “existence” sa buhay ko.

Damang-dama ko ang drama…parang tele-serye. And quote & quote, masama eto!! Wala pa man din akong harness na gamit..at sintaas na ng Mount Everest and kinalalagyan ko. Pati ako, hindi ko alam bakit ako naka-abot ng ganun kataas sa sea level? At lumagpas na nman sa human zone at andito ako sa atmosphere..

At andyan na yung regular conversation namen araw-araw ni “Lord” na nakaka-pundi na sa kulit:

Gosh Lord, nag-jojoke ka na nman…lab mo talaga ako…
*sabay emote at isang malalim na pag-hinga. Sa huli, makikipag-bargain pa rin naman ako*
Pwede bang gawin mu na lang siyang impossible ulit?
Pwede bang hindi na lang siya human o real tulad ng dati? O kaya, pwede bang gawin mu na lang akong wallpaper ulit na dinadaan-daan lang??
At pwede bang ibalik mo na lang siya sa pedestal?
Doon na lang siya..kung saan nilagak ko siya ng matagal na panahon?? Pleasssseee???**emote**
Pero ayun, wala naman mangyayari. Ang ending, kakamutin ko lang ang ulo ko..magigising ako na hindi ito isang panaginip…

Nakakatawa ako noh? Batukan nyo nga ako…*boink!*

Heto ako, gusto ko na namang maging “alien”. Samantalang nung nasa outer space ako wala akong hinangad na masulyapan. Oo may mga distraction, pero bago ako makatulog, siya lang ang ngiti na mag-iiwan..**sniff**

Akalain mong gusto ko na maging alien forever… uma-atras ako oh..nag-rereverse naaahhh. Naduduwag ako. Ayan, inamin ko na.

Hindi ko naisip na pwede maging totoo, na pwede akong maging tao. At eto nagtagpo ang aming landas..Ang isang alien na tulad ko at siya.

Ako na sobrang curios sa earth at may ADHD...At siya na “hero” at “blessing” sa mundong ibabaw.

Pero sabi nga nila; “in life those that are perfect may not be the best ‘fit’..So siguro kelangan niya ng hindi *perfect*. Siguro kelangan niya ng tamang timpla lang..Siguro hindi naman kelangan perfect ako..just *right* lang..

At iyon, natapos ang araw ng pagkukunwaring alien ako… and my vision of the ending became very clear..brutally became more honestly clear…

“We headed to different directions…met different people.
Love and thought we found forever; then had our hearts broken…
Yet the next best thing just happened, out of nowhere…
we started walking towards the sun…
not even to each other…
But as if God still destined us to be together…”

*napaluha na lang ako* I’m human again.